What happened to all that money?

KC is the only member of our immediate family with any musical ability. I can remember him playing the piano and guitar when I was a little kid, but I never had any inclination to join him, probably because my mom contributed 50% of my DNA, and she has to practice her Zoomba moves in front of a mirror. My sister likes to sing, but liking something and doing it well are two completely different animals. I don’t think KC minds it when my sister sings, however, because it gives him the opportunity to execute the most fossilized joke in his playbook. Whenever my sister finishes croaking out the misheard lyrics to another one of her favorite songs, KC invariably asks “What happened to all that money?” The first several hundred times he asked his question, my sister dutifully responded “What money?” These days, she remains silent, so KC jumps right to the punchline: “The money we spent on singing lessons.” ZING! *Side note: My sister did not actually take any singing lessons. As an analogy, consider that infants who crawl do not typically have sprinting coaches.

KC will tell you that being the only musical member of the family has its cost. For example, we went to visit my grandmother in the nursing home one Christmas, and KC started playing Christmas carols on the piano. The nursing home did not have any sheet music, so KC was playing from memory. Soon, he ran out of songs, but the three of us did not understand. We thought “knowing how to play the piano” meant “knowing how to play all songs on the piano, particularly all Christmas carols.”

“KC, how about Silent Night?”

“I don’t know that one.”

“How about O Holy Night, then?”

“I don’t know that one, either.”

“Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer?”

“I AM NOT A JUKEBOX.”

Because KC is the only one in the family with any musical skill, it is somewhat ironic that he is also the only one in the family who has not updated his musical library in any substantial way since 1973, the only exception being the Wallflowers, to whom he clung like a life preserver against the tidal onslaught of Hootie and the Blowfish, Phil Collins, and Ace of Base during family road trips. When Napster came out in 2001, KC gave me a list of 25 or so songs that he wanted me to download for him. I suspect that if Napster had come out in 1981 or 1991, his list would have been exactly the same. I am certain that his list is the same in 2011. This year, he and my mom bought a subscription to Rhapsody, thus giving them access to millions of tracks. And yet KC listens to approximately the same 25 songs on his mp3 player. I will now attempt to list, from memory, these songs. I may get some of the artists wrong. But here goes

1. Satisfaction by the Rolling Stones
2. Sweet Melissa by the Allman Brothers
3. Whipping Post by the Allman Brothers
4. Soul Man by Sam and Dave
5. Fire and Rain by James Taylor
6. Suite Judy Blue Eyes by Crosby Stills and Nash
7. Bluebird by Buffalo Springfield
8. Sultans of Swing by Dire Straits
9. All Along the Watchtower by Jimi Hendrix
10. Hurricane by Bob Dylan
11. Stormy Weather by Poco
12. Carolina in My Mind by James Taylor
13. Smackwater Jack by Carole King
14. Life’s Been Good by Joe Walsh
15. Ordinary Average Guy by Joe Walsh
16. A song by the Temptations.
17. A song by the Four Tops.
18. Well Known Gun by Elton John
19. Wooden Ships by Crosby Stills and Nash
20. For What Its Worth by Buffalo Springfield
21. All Right Now by Free
22. You Can’t Catch Me by Stephen Stills
23. Whiter Shade of Pale by Procul Harem
24. The Weight by the Band
25. Moondance by Van Morrison

Please take this time to note that despite coming of age in the 1960s and 1970s, my father does not particularly enjoy the Beatles or Led Zeppelin. I did not hear much of either of these groups until I went to college, and still now I know less about the Beatles than most people who speak English and enjoy rock and roll. My father kept from me the most important band of his (and probably any) generation. Why is this? I can speculate. KC told me recently that he did everything he could to keep me from reading comic books. I did not realize this as a kid. KC enacted this passive censorship because a boy that he grew up with read comic books, and KC thought he was a weirdo. I am guessing this kid also listened to the Beatles.

Now that I think about it, KC has in fact begun to incorporate new music into his life. But the type of music that he is incorporating leads me to believe that his expansion of taste is more a sign of budding madness than personal growth. For example, he made multiple requests for my mom to play her Lady Gaga CD the last time our family took an extended road trip together. Also, he started playing guitars with one of his friends, and soon he was watching Youtube tutorials wherein adolescent males in V-necked t-shirts were teaching him how to play songs by the Dave Matthews Band. No to the Beatles and yes to Dave Matthews Band? I just realized that KC is more secure in his manhood than I ever thought.