My father has a unique approach to nutritional balance. Left to his own devices, I suspect his diet would consist of equal parts red beans and rice, nacho chips with barbecue sauce, and Spaten beer. This is the diet he traditionally adopts when my mom goes out of town and he lets his culinary hair down. I remember one night when my mom was out of town, I must have been a junior or senior in high school because my sister was not around, I came home kind of late and I was surprised to hear the TV was still on in the living room. I figured my dad would be in bed. Turns out he was, sort of. Let me redraw the scene. I walk into the living room. The Addams Family movie is blasting through the television (I am trying to imagine the thought process that went into that selection by a solo 45 year old man, but I am at a loss). KC is not in the room. There is, however, a half-eaten bag of Tostitos and a plate caked with BBQ sauce residue lying on the couch. I walk through the living room and enter the guest bedroom. I find KC. He is passed out in a white t-shirt and white skivvies, kneeling next to the bed, his upper body sprawled across the mattress. I am unsure how he came to assume this position. Though my father is not a particularly religious man, it appears he felt the need to thank his Creator for the bounty of Tostitos, barbecue sauce, and PG-rated home cinema that he had enjoyed on this particular Friday evening. I did not wake him up, figuring that I should not trifle with a Tostitos coma that was strong enough to literally bring a man to his knees.
Were KC to adopt the red bean, Tostitos, and Spaten diet, he would not survive very long. Not because of the obvious health effects. Rather because he would likely burn the house to the ground while enjoying a post-Spaten nap and forgetting to prevent his red beans and rice from exploding on the stovetop. I believe that this nearly happened once or twice during another of those brave weekends when I was a kid and my mom went out of town and left the King in charge of the Castle.
