Anyone for spaghetti?

Like many Germantownians, my family has vacationed in Destin, FL on a yearly basis from the time I was two years old. For the first 15 years, we saved money by staying in a bare-bones cabin which required a coating of chlorine bleach before my sister and mother would step inside. Eventually, KC said, “Hey, we’re making pretty good bucks, it’s time we move up a notch.” So we rented a more expensive condo that provided a variety of modern amenities which were not available at our previous place, including pots and pans and a sofa that did not require the covering of a bed sheet in order to be safe for contact with human skin.

The drive from Memphis to Destin takes approximately 9 hours. To know my father is to know that he experiences approximately four bowel movements per day. So, in the average 18 hour day, he visits his congressman about once every 4 hours. Thus, after the 9 hour car ride, he was carrying more than beachware into the shiny condo. His first stop was the restroom. I am sure he was enjoying the peace and quiet that he had earned after absorbing 9 hours of Madonna and Hootie the Blowfish. He was probably also reflecting favorably on the new condo and our family’s ability to stay in such a nice place.

Then he flushed the toilet. And the water began to rise. And the water continued to rise. He hurriedly shut the toilet’s water spigot. But his dilemma had only begun. While this new condo had two televisions, it did not have a plunger. I am not quite sure what happened next. But decisions were made under extreme duress. The sum of these decisions resulted in my shirtless father bending over a poop-choked toilet, ladeling feces into one of the condo’s kitchen pots with a massive slotted spoon.

The condo had two bathrooms, so KC gradually emptied the turd pot into the other commode like a criminal destroying the evidence, making sure to flush after each dallop. You may be asking, “Seth, if the condo had two bathrooms, why not leave the clogged toilet alone and go purchase a plunger?” This is an excellent question for which I have no definitive answer. My guess is that KC did not want to waste valuable beach time by going to the grocery store. “Goddammit, we got up at 3 AM to get here in time to get on the beach. Patty, get me a pot and slotted spoon.”